Dr. Goschi's Blog

The Death of Privacy

Posted on March 19, 2014 at 1:37 pm in Advice

I attended a lecture on Social Privacy by Lori Andrews. She has a new book titled “I know who you are and saw what you did.” Basically, her book talks about how social networks have changed everything about privacy. Most of us, at least our children, have a facebook account that is active. Few understand how our participation in sites, like facebook, effect our personal privacy. In fact, we are reliquishing our privacy as a result of our online social activity.

How is this relevant in my practice with young adults, couples and families. Well, let me tell you what I have been seeing in my office. Schools are aggressively monitoring your child’s activities. Trust me, the high schools all know what a “red cup means.” It’s much better if your child has nothing in their hand because even a diet coke in a red cup will be perceived as a beer. The emotional devastation that occurs due to an expulsion or suspension is sometimes difficult to overcome and can follow the youth going forward.

Some employers use the same strategy to screen out applicants or keep tabs on current employees. The news covered a story on a teacher who took a picture of herself holding a beer while on a European vacation. Her job was terminated because of this posted picture.  Her boss told her that her  “drinking” was poor role-modeling for her students. Mind you, this picture was harmlessly taken while she was with her cohorts vacationing. Hardly, bad role-modeling since she was on her own time and within the legal age limit. The problem was that her students had access to her facebook page. Here is where the teacher should have shown better personal boundary practices.

Many couples end up on my couch after seeing their spouse with another individual on facebook. Not sure why you would post pictures of yourself cheating on your spouse. The trauma and crisis posting such pictures causes are limitless. Look at how it has ruined the political life of Weiner after he posted pictures of his genitals. Many individuals feel the need to post absolutely every aspect of their personal life. Boundary issues, inability to relate personally and a whole host of other pathologies become amplified over the internet.

If you are interested in finding out  more detailed ways in which our privacy has been compromised I strongly recommend that you read Lori Andrews book. She outlines the issues quite well. She also talks about the legal ramifications. Lori offers  eye opening insights for many who have now clue about how facebook and other mediums can be used against them. It’s a great read but be prepared to be scared.

As always, if you need help please call today. Dr. Goschi can be reached at 312-595-1787.

Senior Launching

Posted on November 2, 2012 at 10:16 am in Advice

When we use the term launching we are usually thinking about our children leaving their childhood home sometime after college.  It’s usually a sad time but also filled with hope and shiny potential.   This is not the launching of which I speak.  Rather, I’m talking about sending our elderly parents off to senior living.

I dare to say that launching our senior parents is equally as stressfull if not more.  The event can be even more painful if riddled with conflict.  If our parents didn’t make the effort to plan carefully for their retirment years then “we” their adult children are burdened with making the difficult choices.  I understand that no one wants to spend their final days fixed into a wheel chair parked in front of TV land shows.  I know that we want to believe that we will all exit as vital participants of our milieu.  However, with the very real statistic that 80% of individuals over 80 will suffer from dementia it is unrealistic to think that we will be capable of making the right choices for ourselves.  We will need our children to help make those decisions for us.

As children we are loathe to make those choices for our parents for fcar that they will never speak to us again.  It can also be financially crippling.  With our children living at home post college due to no jobs, the changing landscape for senior facilities, and having dwindling incomes it is a recipe for disaster.  So, some of us deal with the conflict by retreating from our parents.  Others, watch from a distance while waiting for some terrible event to happen.

I am never a fan of passivity.  Rather, I believe that a plan is always better and in doing so we are provided with a sense of hope and control.  I would suggest starting with your parents primary care physician.  He/she will usally give you an accurate sense of how quickly or severely your parents health is deteriorating.  Using that information as your guideline you can look for a social worker who specializes in helping families with senior parents to help lay out a plan of action.  These professionals are very good at knowing what rescources are available financially and emotionally.    Get as many family members on board as you can so that in fighting between concerned relatives doesn’t become unmanagable.

Also, take care of yourself physically and emotionally.  Therapy can help get you through the emotional turmoil and upcoming grief.  You may be suprised how much an empathic ear and supportive relationship can help.  Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787 or email at barbara@drgoschi.com.

Update on Sandusky

Posted on October 13, 2012 at 9:50 am in Advice

I must say that I was pleased with the verdict.  Too often “guilty” pedophiles’ judgments are too lenient.  This time I believe justice was served.  Or, was it?  Don’t get me wrong – I totally embrace the guilty verdict and 60 years in prison.  But, I suppose what I’m upset about is that the victims yet again had to stand up and speak publicly about the events with Sandusky.  This opened the victims up to cross examination, ridicule and emotional exposure.

We think women have a difficult time coming forward when they are abused well in my experience I’ve found it even more difficult for male victims.  This is tremendously unfortunate since neither women nor men “should” feel ashamed about the sexual abuse to them but they often do.

So, I just wanted to say how proud I am of those brave individuals who have come forward.  They have not only begun their own journey of healing and purging their souls but have protected how many more young boys from suffering the same fate.  Bravo to you all and as a therapist and a mother I applaud you all!

High Anxiety

Posted on October 8, 2012 at 5:53 pm in Advice

Today I heard a new poll that stated women were more worried about their futures than were their male counterparts.  While this was disturbing to hear it didn’t surprise me at all.  It is true that women are worriers.  How many of us have had sleepless nights worrying about our children, our aging parents, our jobs, our husband, our boyfriends and the list can seem endless.

Women are tremendously prone to worry because we tend to be caretakers of everyone in our lives.  Sometimes,or might I say many times, we worry about everyone else to the detriment of ourselves.  Worry better known as anxiety can reek havoc on our physical and mental health.  Anxiety is one of those strange emotions that can help us do well on tests.  However, if we experience too much then it interferes with performance.  So, anxiety can get moving or can cripple our ability to function.  It’s a fine line and a hard one control.

However, I would encourage all the women in my life to at least try.  There are a few simple steps that can really help manage anxiety.  If it’s anxiety that’s caused by procrastination then I would encourage an individual to tackle the task one peice at a time.  If  the anxiety/worry is due to something we cannot control then I would encourage some different apporaches.

In an earlier post, I spoke of how we cannot be anxious if our bodies are relaxed.  Therefore, I would encourage you to engage in those activities which maximize relaxation.  For example, meditation/yoga are wonderful forms of deep relaxation.   Any form of work out can also lead to the alleviation of stress and the release of endorphins.  Lastly, I would encourage you to put the concerns out of your mind especially if your thoughts are destructive.

I the anxiety isn’t helping you move forward then actively work at alleviating your anxiety.  Therapy and meds can be extremely helpful if you’ve been officially diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder.

Take charge of your life today and call Dr. Goschi because help is just a phone call away @ (312)595-1787.

Happy Holidays!

Posted on December 19, 2011 at 5:37 pm in Advice

Don’t forget to make it a point to enjoy the Holiday season.

  •  Manage your stress by being organized, plan in 1 or 2 hour blocks of time so you succeed in getting things done.
  • Make special time to enjoy immediate family, extended family and friends.
  • Do something special for yourself.
  • Buy gift cards or things online if shopping is too stressful.
  • Leave time to exercise.
  • Get plenty of sleep.
  • Make time to do something you love during the season.
  • Watch a good Holiday movie.
  • Resist being Wonder woman or Superman and share the chores.
  • Tell important people how much they mean to you and allow them to reciprocate.
  • Most of all have a wonderful, stress free Holiday Season and I’ll talk with you in the New Year!

If you need me help is just a phone call away. Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

Sandusky and Penn State Controversy

Posted on November 22, 2011 at 10:03 am in Advice

Given the news this week I thought I would address the issue of sexual abuse of boys. This issue has exploded. It’s on every news channel and everyone has an opinion. The most common reaction, however, is one of disgust, sadness and appalled at how the behavior could have gone on for so many years seemingly unchecked.

I heard someone reporting last night that someone must have noticed that Sandusky was a weirdo and has to be different from the rest of us “normal people.” Well, I am here to tell you that pedophiles, that’s what Sanduscky should be labeled, can seem as “normal” as anyone else. This is the brutal reality that people don’t understand. How do I know this? Well, I used to do psychological testing on pedophiles and worked inpatient with them as well.

The one thing child sex abusers have in common is that you would never know their dirty little secret by looking at or having a regular conversation with them. They fit in our environment. Often, they are married with children and even their own wives had no clue what is going on. Often, they don’t target their own children instead they abuse all the neighborhood children or the children they coach. We just don’t want to believe this is true.

In fact, it is true that pedophiles as a group are usually categorized as being heterosexual and can successfully have what seems to be normal sexual relations with their partners. The pedophile frequently tells themselves that they are not doing anything wrong but instead just teaching the 10 year old about sexuality. They perceive it as mutual fun between themselves and the child. It is only when the jig is up and severely confronted that they admit that what they did was wrong.  This is how Sandusky can say without hesitation that he wasn’t abusing these boys, rather, he cared deeply for them.

Pedophilia also tends to run in families. I have treated abused individuals, who are now pedophiles themselves,  that were abused by their grandparents.  Following generations continue the sexual abuse patterns because it is what they have learned. In my own universe, I have never met a pedophile who hasn’t been sexually abused as a child.  However, that’s only my own experience but I bet if you looked at the research it would support this opinion.  So, it becomes a destructive pattern that continues on and on. I won’t bore you with the psychological details of such pathology but let me just emphasize that the problems run deep, are powerful and resistant to orthodox forms of psychotherapy.

So, as parents how can we possibly protect our children from exposure to such evil. Well, I believe that just as we inoculate our children against childhood diseases so must we against sexual predators. Begin early and have the conversation with your children often. You of course can gear the level of conversation based on the age of your children. After all, this is really what the stranger danger conversation is about.  But, we must take it further than this and talk to them about what is acceptable behavior from adults and what is not.  No adult other than mom or dad should be showering with your child.  This is just one example of how to help them understand appropriate boundaries. So, please, please, please, talk to your children about predators.

Make sure that all coaches and anyone who has regular access to your child knows that you’re an involved parent. Not only do predators look for opportunity but they also look for the child who seems to be isolated. If you are a full time working parent connect with at least one other child and their family at school or make sure the babysitter understands the importance of not allowing your child to have too much face time alone with any adult.  And, tell your child than they can tell you anything, you will not blame them and that you will listen. Boy victims, in particular, are ashamed that it happened to them. Even at an early age they feel that they should have prevented the abuse by fighting back. This is ridiculous for a sweet boy to think for a moment.  But, believe me they live with the guilt well into their adult lives. If they have been abused get them help immediatlely. Be a part of the healing process no matter how long or how painful it might be for everyone involved.

I know this is a terrible subject to talk, however, we should probably be talking more openly and honestly about this topic.

As always help is just a phone call away. Don’t struggle alone call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787 or email for your appointment at barbara@drgoschi.com

Coping With Aged Parents

Posted on October 31, 2011 at 6:08 pm in Advice

There are many conflicts that arise from having to deal with the endless demands placed on an adult of aging parents.  When I refer to aged I am not speaking about 60 something individuals.  Heck I perceive them in today’s world to be almost middle aged.  Instead, I am addressing those of us who have parents living beyond 70 years old.

If a parent lives well into their 80’s or 90’s it is likely that they will require additional support.  Whether it’s their physical or cognitive issues it is a struggle to provide them with the attention they deserve/require.  But today I want to talk more about deteriorating cognitive abilities that affect so many of our beloved senior parents.  Whether it is a diagnosable case of Alzheimers or Dementia or simply the normal deterioration of the aging brain.

Alzheimer’s is a disease first discovered in 1906 by a German neuropathologist.  In particular, Alzheimer’s refers to a deterioration of nerve clusters in the brain.  As a person develops the disease the nerve clusters become tangled and calcified.  The calcification process causes many of the brain cells to die.  The death of the brain cells is what affects memory and behavior in the afflicted individual.

To diagnose the illness the person must be tested and often brain scans are done as well.  A wooping 6 million individuals are diagnosed with Alzheimers in the United Sates alone.  It is estimated 10% of the population over 65 and 50% of the population over 85 will develop Alzheimers.  On average a person lives for  8 years following the initial diagnosis.  Mind you these are only averages.

There are thought to be at least 6 general causes of Alzheimer’s.  Some are found to have stronger links than others.  I will just list them for you rather than get into the details.  The attributing factors are as follows; increased blood pressure and high cholesterol, gene mutations on three chromosomes, amyloid beta protein that doesn’t break down, folate and choline deficiencies, excessive amounts of aluminum and environmental toxins.

While we could ruminate about the causes of the deterioration in our senior parent’s functioning it is instead important to understand how to best cope with their symptoms.  First and foremost you have to take care of yourself.  Coping with the insidious nature of this illness can cause enormous stress.  Get support from wherever you can.  Do not isolate yourself.  Talk to loved ones.  Make sure you pay attention to your health.

It is essential to always maintain a non confrontational positive attitude when dealing with your Alzheimer inflicted parent.  Remember, they cannot control their moods or feelings.  They are no longer the parent that you remember.  Instead, you should adapt your reactions to fit with their reality.  There is simply no point to arguing with a parent who cannot recuperate memories to which you’re referring.  Instead, take each day as it comes and look for the simply joys you can continue to embrace with your afflicted parent.

As always help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787.

Over-scheduling’s inherent problems

Posted on September 30, 2011 at 2:08 pm in Advice

It seems like nothing is sacred in this economic downturn. Even some of the most diligent helicopter mom’s are finding it financially difficult to over schedule their children.  My response to that is halleluah.  As a whole we are doing a discervice to our kids by booking every last moment of their free time.  I don’t know about you but I’m pretty crabby when I don’t have a free moment for anything.

Somehow having your children busier than is comprehensible has become a sign of good parenting.  I’m not sure where this idealogical mindset began.  I know that it is good to expose your children to new experiences.  It helps them grow as individuals and increases their interest in physical activities and intellectual persuits.  But, when it comes to our children more does not equal better.  Rather, it is my belief that more is acutally detrimental to many fundamental developmental, emotional and psychological milestones.

I believe the hope in keeping your child busy every minute of their life prevents them from becoming overweight, keeps them book smart and prevents them from abusing substances.  Oh, if only this philosophy were true.  I fear that we are creating other problems by controlling everything our children do.  The old adage “Something has to give” applies here.  The over scheduled child will need to work less in one or all areas.

There is new research that speaks to multi-tasking and I believe the results apply perfectly here.  Those of use who are engaged in too many activities at one time become stupider.  Doing homework at hockey practice does not result in good academic habits.  Nor does it give school the level of importance it deserves.  It’s fine to play hockey but keep the two in their appropriate boxes.

The other important issue is how a person learns to schedule their own free time.  Youngsters need to learn how to fill up time with those things they enjoy.  Novelty ideas and creative thinking are born from time to ponder.  Emotional development follows a similar trajectory in that relationships evolve over time and issues are worked out based on free interaction.  Kids must be able to move in the world at their own pace.  Playing in the backyard or with neighbors is becoming less of a common phenomenon.

Lastly, having time to spend with the family over dinner remains invaluable.  It is a way in which we form intimate realtionships with siblings and parnets.  There is no better way of getting to know what your children are really up to than checking in with them at the dinner table.  Don’t underestimate the power of reading a book together, wathching a family freindly movie together, or playing a board game after dinner.  I must admit that I was pleased to hear that more families were involved in these behaviors.  I hope that families find interactions more valuable and continue to engage in these activities onece the downturn is over.

As always help is just a phone call away . If you find yourself in need of family therapy help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com

Weathering the Winds of Change

Posted on August 2, 2011 at 9:25 am in Advice

How do we survive constant change? It seems that the environment in which we live  in is filled with constant crisis and uncertainty. You cannot turn on the news without being bombarded with negativity. Yes, I realize that the news often tends to focus on the negative rather than the positive happenings.  However, it seems to me that the news is supercharged with horrible new realities each day.  From unemployment rising to skyrocketing food prices.

So, what are the emotional and psychological effects that I am seeing in my office. I am seeing more anxiety than I can ever remember. It is especially true of my individual clients who are over 40.  As I was driving home the other evening my son and I witnessed the aftermath of a 59 year old man having taken his own life by jumping in front of a Metra train.  Unfortunately, this behavior has become an all to frequent occurrence.  So, what gives?

For a person to have a general sense of well being there needs to be a certain level of predictablity.  Middle age individuals tend to be less likely to want to take risks.  Rather, people tend to become creatures of habit.  We tend to engage in the same rituals day after day.  We fold our towels the same way, buy similar groceries from the store, call the same friends, practice the same religious belief and even have sex in the same position.

While this may strike some as boring to many others it symbolizes comfort.   I believe that what I am seeing today is a severe erosion of esteem, confidence and comfort for many individuals in their middle years.  Middle aged individuals are questioning whether they still add value to society.  I think it stems from so many middle aged individuals having lost their jobs.  To this individual, their jobs were not just careers but came to represent identity.  Just think about how you describe yourself at a dinner party?  Do you at some point talk about what you do for a living?

As always I like to point out the possible solutions.  I believe it is important in times like these to focus on what we have accomplished rather than what we are missing.  No one can take that away.  During stressful and unpredictable times in our life we need to meet our needs more dilligently.  For example,  relying on our friends and family to highlight our sense of worth.  People forget to go to others for support – it really does make a difference.  Additionally, lean on whatever faith you have had in your past.  It is amazing how much this can lead to solace.  Lastly, don’t forget to exercise and eat healthy.  Exercise can release those endorphins and eating healthy keeps the stress from damaging our immune systems.  And, if these tactics don’t work there is always therapy.  Even a short stint in your psychologist’s office can help you right the ship.

Don’t forget that help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

Entitlement or Simply Entitled

Posted on March 17, 2011 at 6:18 pm in Advice

The buzz words out of Washington today are all about cutting back on Entitlements.  It isn’t significant whether I agree or disagree.  What strikes me about this struggle is deeper than just budget cuts.  Let’s face it, any of us who run a household know how to do budget cuts.  However, it seems to me a metaphor of deeper psychological issues with which a large portion of our society suffer from.  It is known as feelings of entitlement.  Let me explain.

» Read More