Dr. Goschi's Blog

Men Don’t Talk About Sexual Abuse

Posted on May 6, 2019 at 1:30 pm in Chicago Sex Addiction Counseling, Cyber-Sex Addictions, Depression Counseling, Relationship Issues Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

The disturbing documentary about Michael Jackson, “Leaving Neverland,” featured the abuse story of two men now in their thirties.  What I found most tragic was their inability to acknowledge their childhood abuse until later in life. These brave men finally came out and spoke courageously about their abuse.  It took Michael’s death to make it safe for them to finally talk about what they had endured for years.

Believe it or not the above-mentioned scenario is all too common among male victims. Young men think that some how they are to blame for the abuse.  They say, “I should have fought back.” The men believe, even as adults, that they should have stopped the abuse. After all they are “boys!” It sometimes takes many years for a male victim to understand that they were targets of a pedophile.  As children these boys possessed little to no power over their assailant.

Victims in some cases, enjoyed their sexual experiences causing them to feel shame preventing them from telling a parent.  Some male victims believe they would get in trouble from their parents or others if they came forward. Michael Jackson allegedly manipulated his victims into believing they would also end up incarcerated should they disclose the abuse.

Todays “#me too” movement does not include many comments from men.  The statistics point to one in four girls are abused while believed to be one in ten for boys. My belief is that boys are abused in equivalent numbers.   I think that sometimes boys are exposed to equally dangerous sexual situations. Sexual predators count on the fact that “boys don’t tell.”

I have seen a preponderance of men who have been abused as children.  Often their wives bring their husbands in for sex therapy. Sexual abuse has profound effects on the expression of an individual’s sexuality as well as their libido.  The other common response to abuse is hypersexuality expressed either online or with multiple partners.

If you or your partner is struggling with issues due to abuse Dr. Goschi is here to help.  She can be reached by email or by phone at barbara@drgoschi.com or (312)595-1787.  Call today to start your healing.

What the heck‘s a Sexologist?

Posted on March 2, 2019 at 12:02 pm in Cyber-sex addiction Counseling Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling, Sex Therapy Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

Well, I’m not exactly sure.  I discovered this word while using google analytics.  People looking for sex therapy search for a “sexologist.”  According to Wikipedia, “Sexology is the study of human sexuality, including human sexual interests, behaviors and functions.   Topics of study include sexual development, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual relationships, sexual activities, paraphilias, and atypical sexual interests.”  Many of these topics comprise what I treat in my practice. However, people searching under this term may be looking for how they might enjoy better sexual lives rather than the most recent research on human sexuality.

I do believe that in couples counseling talking about your marital sexual interactions should be addressed.  Very often, clients who have previously worked on their marriages have neglected to work on their sexual relationship.   If your marital communication is poor it follows that your sexual life may also suffer.

In general, we view our sexual relationship as separate from other aspects of our marriage.  However, they are intrinsically tied to each other. If, for example, we are always fighting with each other this most likely has a profound impact on the frequency of your sexual expression.  Some couples have great makeup sex while others simply stop having sex when there is too much conflict. Maintaining a healthy sexual life enhances the strength of any marriage.

What does a healthy sexual life look like?  Each partner defines what they believe a healthy sex life would include.  For example, feeling gratified, expressing your needs and desires, talking about what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy.  These topics define what couples say they require to feel sexually complete. Also, being honest with your partner if there’s something that they do sexually that bothers you tell them, instead,  share with them how they can sexually please you.

If you are looking for a “Sexologist” or more importantly someone who can help you with your sexual relationship don’t hesitate to call Dr. Barbara Goschi.  She’s here to help. You can reach her by phone at (312) 595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com.

Tending to Your Relationship

Posted on February 10, 2018 at 5:11 pm in Add some romance to your relationship this Valentine's Day, Couples Counseling Chicago, Divorce and Infidelity Counseling, Family Counseling Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling, Sex Therapy Counseling

Tending to Your Relationship

Over time the luster of your relationship may dwindle. Keeping passion alive in your marriage requires some effort. This advice sometimes sounds counter intuitive especially if the couple have been together for a long time. It makes sense to tend to your marriage whether together one year of fifty.

I remind my clients that even though they’ve been together a long time that personal needs and desires can and often do change. In fact, adjustments in personal needs can profoundly impact the tenor of a relationship. Couples counseling helps the couple learn how to express their evolving needs, feelings, hopes and dreams.

Couples talks can lead to arguments. Many couples fight repeatedly over the same issues. Couples counseling can help disrupt dysfunctional marital patterns. How a couple argues may contribute to the conflict. New skills acquired in therapy help the couple stop the destructive cycle.

Busy working couples find it extremely hard to make time for themselves let alone each other. Sometimes attending couple’s therapy is the only time couples make for each other. There’s just something wrong with this picture. Rather, schedule time to nurture your relationship. I often ask couples to institute a date night to help move things along.

Couples counseling helps get at the underlying issues that add to your marriage’s negative spiral. Counseling teaches each person how to listen and communicate better about what really matters rather than fighting over issues that tend to tear the relationship down. Sex can even start happening on a regular basis when the other conflicts are being taken care of.

It’s never too late to attempt to fix your marriage. Your relationship deserves your utmost attention. Put your marriage on equal par with your parenting and/or your career plans. Yes, it’s that important! As always I’m here to help. Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-12787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

Keeping Our 2018 Resolutions

Posted on January 18, 2018 at 2:16 pm in Individual Coaching & Counseling, Individual Counseling, Licensed clinical psychologist Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling

Keeping Our 2018 Resolutions

Every year many of us set resolutions on New Year’s Eve only to be broken within the first three weeks. What’s happening? Can it be that so many of us have absolutely no resolve to meet the goals that we set for ourselves? Are we just all quitters?

Hardly! Many of us set unrealistic goals that are impossible to meet. Rather we should look at setting more attainable objectives for ourselves. Also, celebrating small achievements that lead to ultimately getting us closer to our targets becomes ever more significant.

So, what to do? Look at the goals that we set. Make sure they aren’t “pie in the sky” ideas. Our desired destination should be attainable. For example, when it comes to weight loss look at what is realistic for you. Not so glamorous but far more reasonable. Let’s say that losing a pound a week can be a highly attainable goal. This would include making some healthy changes to your diet without the severe deprivation that some diets require.

Individual therapy can help you identify what changes need to be made in your life in order to realize your dreams. Whether it’s finding a new job, more balance in your life, to increasing your social contacts. Individual counseling can help you attain these goals by looking at the desired result and work backwards from there (Covey, 1990). Divide the process in to smaller attainable objectives which ideally get you closer to your bigger objective.

Celebrate each achievement you complete along the way. One mistake we often make is when we beat ourselves up for imperfect execution. Maybe we’ve not met one of the benchmarks that we’ve set up for ourselves. Thus, we end up devaluing ourselves as incapable of staying focused on the prize. Individual therapy teaches you to forgive yourself. Counseling helps you look at what interferes with your goal attainment and controls for that going forward. We sometimes learn the most about ourselves through examining our failures. Use your failures as moments for growth.

Good luck in the New Year and may you reach all of your goals. If you need help getting there or have discovered something about yourself that you would like to change don’t hesitate to call Dr. Goschi (312)595-1787 to schedule your individual counseling. I’m here to help!

Dealing with loss in the New Year

Posted on January 2, 2018 at 7:40 pm in Anxiety Counseling, Depression Counseling Chicago, Individual Coaching & Counseling, Individual Counseling, Relationship Issues Counseling, Seasonal Affective Disorder

Dealing with loss in the New Year

Having lost someone in 2017 shapes the way we view the New Year.  We view everything through the lense of loss.  Rather than looking forward to upcoming events we see these functions as sorrowful, even meaningless.  “It’s the first celebration without them.”  Which, of course, diminishes the occasion. 

Feelings of sadness, anger, denial, isolation and sometimes guilt rule our days.  While experiencing these painful emotions can help us move through the grief process we need appropriate outlets so we don’t get stuck in any one of these stages (Kubler-Ross, 1969).  We want to eventually get to a place of acceptance so we can heal and once again tolerate positive emotions.  Guilt over feeling happy can interfere with our receptivity to love and support from others.  Try to open yourself to others kind works and gestures of love.

Normalizing your life helps you get beyond the grief.  Fill your life with plenty of positive activities.  Partaking in exercise, work, dinners with family move us forward.  Look for those situations that allow you to find balance between felling, self-expression and acceptance.  If we dwell only on the loss this keeps us stuck in the process of grieving.

Allow yourself to feel.  We move through various emotions while grieving.  Not surprisingly we feel sad one day and perhaps angry the next.  Embrace the fact that while grieving we feel many complex emotions which constantly fluctuate.

Don’t hesitate to call friends who can offer an empathic ear.  People worry that reaching out too often will burden their relationships.  True intimate relationships have a large capacity for love and empathy.  If you experience rejection when attempting to reach out then you probably need to assess the health of your friendships.

Lastly, be kind to yourself in 2018.   You will find your way out of the emotional fog.  Be patient it takes time to heal.  If you need more help don’t hesitate to call!  Dr. Goschi is here to help (312)595-1787.