Dr. Goschi's Blog

Men Don’t Talk About Sexual Abuse

Posted on May 6, 2019 at 1:30 pm in Chicago Sex Addiction Counseling, Cyber-Sex Addictions, Depression Counseling, Relationship Issues Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

The disturbing documentary about Michael Jackson, “Leaving Neverland,” featured the abuse story of two men now in their thirties.  What I found most tragic was their inability to acknowledge their childhood abuse until later in life. These brave men finally came out and spoke courageously about their abuse.  It took Michael’s death to make it safe for them to finally talk about what they had endured for years.

Believe it or not the above-mentioned scenario is all too common among male victims. Young men think that some how they are to blame for the abuse.  They say, “I should have fought back.” The men believe, even as adults, that they should have stopped the abuse. After all they are “boys!” It sometimes takes many years for a male victim to understand that they were targets of a pedophile.  As children these boys possessed little to no power over their assailant.

Victims in some cases, enjoyed their sexual experiences causing them to feel shame preventing them from telling a parent.  Some male victims believe they would get in trouble from their parents or others if they came forward. Michael Jackson allegedly manipulated his victims into believing they would also end up incarcerated should they disclose the abuse.

Todays “#me too” movement does not include many comments from men.  The statistics point to one in four girls are abused while believed to be one in ten for boys. My belief is that boys are abused in equivalent numbers.   I think that sometimes boys are exposed to equally dangerous sexual situations. Sexual predators count on the fact that “boys don’t tell.”

I have seen a preponderance of men who have been abused as children.  Often their wives bring their husbands in for sex therapy. Sexual abuse has profound effects on the expression of an individual’s sexuality as well as their libido.  The other common response to abuse is hypersexuality expressed either online or with multiple partners.

If you or your partner is struggling with issues due to abuse Dr. Goschi is here to help.  She can be reached by email or by phone at barbara@drgoschi.com or (312)595-1787.  Call today to start your healing.

What the heck‘s a Sexologist?

Posted on March 2, 2019 at 12:02 pm in Cyber-sex addiction Counseling Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling, Sex Therapy Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

Well, I’m not exactly sure.  I discovered this word while using google analytics.  People looking for sex therapy search for a “sexologist.”  According to Wikipedia, “Sexology is the study of human sexuality, including human sexual interests, behaviors and functions.   Topics of study include sexual development, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual relationships, sexual activities, paraphilias, and atypical sexual interests.”  Many of these topics comprise what I treat in my practice. However, people searching under this term may be looking for how they might enjoy better sexual lives rather than the most recent research on human sexuality.

I do believe that in couples counseling talking about your marital sexual interactions should be addressed.  Very often, clients who have previously worked on their marriages have neglected to work on their sexual relationship.   If your marital communication is poor it follows that your sexual life may also suffer.

In general, we view our sexual relationship as separate from other aspects of our marriage.  However, they are intrinsically tied to each other. If, for example, we are always fighting with each other this most likely has a profound impact on the frequency of your sexual expression.  Some couples have great makeup sex while others simply stop having sex when there is too much conflict. Maintaining a healthy sexual life enhances the strength of any marriage.

What does a healthy sexual life look like?  Each partner defines what they believe a healthy sex life would include.  For example, feeling gratified, expressing your needs and desires, talking about what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy.  These topics define what couples say they require to feel sexually complete. Also, being honest with your partner if there’s something that they do sexually that bothers you tell them, instead,  share with them how they can sexually please you.

If you are looking for a “Sexologist” or more importantly someone who can help you with your sexual relationship don’t hesitate to call Dr. Barbara Goschi.  She’s here to help. You can reach her by phone at (312) 595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com.

Compulsion versus Addiction

Posted on December 5, 2018 at 3:16 pm in Addiction Counseling Chicago, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

The debate between professionals today relates to how we identify process addictions.  Many professionals view sexual acting out as part of a broader symptomatology of mental illness or compulsive behaviors.   As we learn more about the processes involved with sexual acting it better fits within the addictions model.

Anxiety, depression, and compulsive thoughts apply to sexual acting out.  The sequence with which the individual experiences these emotions seems relevant to making the distinction between an addiction and a compulsion.  Process addictions such as gambling addictions, sex addictions, and binge eating disorders share a lot of common features.

One clear distinction relates to the onset of the anxiety.   Some individuals feel compelled to engage in an action to diminish their anxiety and nothing else will suffice until they have completed the act.  For these individual’s relief follows the action. Even though they realize the disruptive quality of the action on their lives. For example, if you feel the need to drive back home to make sure you locked the door, even though you did, you will not feel relief until you check.  Perhaps you feel like your preoccupation dictates your life.

Sexual addiction has similar qualities.  The preoccupation controls one’s thoughts and sometimes actions.  Just thinking and planning to engage in the action often lifts the person out of their anxiety or depression.  The mere thought of the act results in elation. However, once the addict engages in the act shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression soon set in.  The addict does not experience relief. Rather, and intense downward spiral occurs.

Once the individual completes the action, they feel worse.  The shame, guilt, and anxiety lead the addict to feel out of control and vulnerable.  Therapy is most likely sought during this part of the addiction process. The addict experiences great highs followed by very low lows.  Compulsive behaviors don’t always fit as nicely into this scenario.

The therapist misses the bigger picture by treating all process addictions as compulsive behaviors.  The addict’s treatment approach must involve family members, especially wives or significant others. Therapists describe addiction as a family disease because it has such a profound effect on individuals within the family.  When working with individuals who have children it isn’t wise to include young children in the treatment. Rather, the kids can learn new ways of interacting with their depressed or anxious parent. The children should understand they did not cause the problems.

I’m not criticizing clinicians who treat sexual addiction as a compulsion.  I simply think the two exhibit adequate differences that warrant a different look at treatment goals. In conjunction with individual treatment, marital therapy and meetings are recommended.

If you or someone you love is struggling with a sexual addiction, please don’t hesitate to call or email Dr. Goschi at (312)595-1787 or barbara@drgoschi.com.  I look forward to hearing from you in order to begin the healing process.

 

 

To Touch or Not to Touch

Posted on November 2, 2018 at 6:49 pm in Chicago Sex Addiction Counseling, Cyber-sex addiction Counseling Chicago, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

Sex Addiction Therapy, Chicago and Wilmette. Il.

Individuals no longer seem to understand healthy parameters of a loving, consensual sexual relationship. Someone told me about a disturbing episode on Vice news. The couple on the show discussed sexual interactions between husband and wife. According to this couple, an individual must “always” ask permission to touch their partner. This meant that if a wife wanted to grab her husband’s butt she needed explicit permission from him first. The conversation went from confusing to more confusing.

Common sense has flown out the window when it comes to rules of sexual interaction. Therapists encourage couples to engage in playful, spontaneous sexual expression during sex therapy. In the above-mentioned conversation, the couple described sexual playfulness and spontaneity as bordering on abusive. This commentary is completely ridiculous.

Your sexual intimacies as a couple should not be dictated by what reporters, television shows, or what culture defines as politically correct. Your sexual relationship with your partner should include mutually agreed upon loving interactions between the two of you. Romantic exchanges between the two of you may include spontaneous, erotic, and romantic sexual expressions.

What makes good sex? Good sex results from shutting off our big brains, while engaging in good communication, and focusing on pleasure. When a couple feels comfortable and safe with each other they can ask for what turns them on without fear of scorn or rejection. When you communicate well with your partner it’s very difficult for either one or the other to feel misunderstood or threatened by touching. If you don’t like it if your husband grabs your breasts while you’re doing some chore tell him. Most often couples want to please each other.

If you find that you are struggling with communication or sexual issues either as an individual or in your marriage don’t hesitate to call Dr. Goschi to schedule your appointment. Dr. Goschi can be reached at (312)595-1787 or by email at barbara@drgoschi.com

Let’s not conflate pedophilia with sex addiction

Posted on September 4, 2018 at 1:49 pm in Chicago Sex Addiction Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

Wilmette, Chicago Sex Addiction Counseling Once again the Catholic Church and the sexual abuse allegations brings
discussions of homosexuality, pedophilia and sexual addiction to the forefront.
The public tends to conflate these three terms when talking about the accused
Catholic priests. Just want to make sure that people understand the differences
in sexual classifications when the general public reads about all the awful charges
about to hit the news.

The Priests (alleged) actions against young boys, young girls and seminarians
should receive the highest scrutiny and punishment. “Sexual abuse” either
perpetrated by a homosexual male, heterosexual male, pedophile or female
abuser deserve the same punishment. We should attend to the victims while
isolating the abusers from having access to others. Victims do not easily recover
from such childhood trauma without help. Denying that the abuse happened by
calling it “sex addiction, poor judgment or compulsive behaviors” only makes
recovery worse.

This discussion in no way serves as a criticism of Catholicism or any organized
faith. Rather, we must refer to these Priests by their rightful categorization:
sexual predators. Both homosexual men and individuals struggling with sex
addiction do not belong in the same category as the abusers. Frequently,
common folk mistakenly categorize all pedophiles as homosexual. To the
contrary, heterosexual men (married with children) also exhibit pedophilia. The
acting out perpetrated by the accused Archbishop McCarrick with seminarians
was homosexual in nature. It still doesn’t mean it was consensual as the young
Seminarians felt they had no choice but to comply. Alleged pedophile Priests
abused the prepubescent boys and girls in Pittsburg.

The DSMV defines pedophilia as “involving intense and recurrent sexual urges
towards and fantasies about prepubescent children that have either been acted
upon or which cause the person with the attraction distress or interpersonal
difficulty.” Prepubescence refers to boys younger than thirteen years old and
girls before the age of ten. The definition does not describe this disorder as an
addiction or restricted to one sexual orientation.

Sadly, each time an event of this nature occurs the press sometimes conflates the
meaning of pedophilia with other issues like sex addiction. Professionals need to
start educating the public about the many sexual issues with which individuals
struggle, the symptoms associated with these disorders and how to implement
preventative measures.

If you need help struggling with a sexual addiction, please call Dr. Goschi to set up
an individual therapy appointment. She treats individuals in Chicago and
Wilmette. Call today at (312)595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com