Dr. Goschi's Blog

What the heck‘s a Sexologist?

Posted on March 2, 2019 at 12:02 pm in Cyber-sex addiction Counseling Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling, Sex Therapy Counseling, Wilmette Sex Addiction Counseling

Well, I’m not exactly sure.  I discovered this word while using google analytics.  People looking for sex therapy search for a “sexologist.”  According to Wikipedia, “Sexology is the study of human sexuality, including human sexual interests, behaviors and functions.   Topics of study include sexual development, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual relationships, sexual activities, paraphilias, and atypical sexual interests.”  Many of these topics comprise what I treat in my practice. However, people searching under this term may be looking for how they might enjoy better sexual lives rather than the most recent research on human sexuality.

I do believe that in couples counseling talking about your marital sexual interactions should be addressed.  Very often, clients who have previously worked on their marriages have neglected to work on their sexual relationship.   If your marital communication is poor it follows that your sexual life may also suffer.

In general, we view our sexual relationship as separate from other aspects of our marriage.  However, they are intrinsically tied to each other. If, for example, we are always fighting with each other this most likely has a profound impact on the frequency of your sexual expression.  Some couples have great makeup sex while others simply stop having sex when there is too much conflict. Maintaining a healthy sexual life enhances the strength of any marriage.

What does a healthy sexual life look like?  Each partner defines what they believe a healthy sex life would include.  For example, feeling gratified, expressing your needs and desires, talking about what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy.  These topics define what couples say they require to feel sexually complete. Also, being honest with your partner if there’s something that they do sexually that bothers you tell them, instead,  share with them how they can sexually please you.

If you are looking for a “Sexologist” or more importantly someone who can help you with your sexual relationship don’t hesitate to call Dr. Barbara Goschi.  She’s here to help. You can reach her by phone at (312) 595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com.

Addiction and Motivation

Posted on August 1, 2018 at 6:32 pm in Addiction Counseling Chicago, Addiction Therapy Chicago, Sex Therapy Counseling

Some clinicians question whether “process addictions,” such as sex addictions, qualify instead as compulsions. The person struggling with sex addiction, for example, needs to find the appropriate motivation to change their compulsive behavior. The individual eventually acknowledges the extreme consequences of their actions. At this point the person wants to change. Individual therapy helps one successfully master these life changes.

Roman Gelperin in his 2017 book, “Addiction Procrastination and Laziness,” states the desire to engage in an inappropriate behavior outweighs the behavior’s negative outcome. The positive outcome of resisting the behavior does not provide enough incentive to stop. Resisting the behavior often leads to mounting sadness, anxiety or anger causing extreme discomfort. The distressed person may choose a new behavior or resort to their “tried and true” maladaptive behavior. Damn the consequences at least for one more time!

Gelperin links the “fundamental human compulsion to an increase in pleasure and decrease in displeasure.” In my opinion this seems a bit simplistic. Soothing a severe negative emotion requires more than increasing pleasure. Perhaps people prone to compulsive behaviors exhibit an inability to tolerate bad feelings for any length of time.

According to the author, appealing to a person’s logical self helps unlock their ability to change behavior. Guilt and remorse often becomes a strong motivating force for change. However, the intensity of the guilt must be large enough to stop the individual from engaging in the negative behavior. Compulsive sexual actions are particularly vulnerable to this process as the pleasure may outweigh the guilt.

What must a person do to change their compulsive behavior? The author outlines various approaches. Each approach provides the individual opportunity for change. A patient must actively engage the following actions to make lasting changes. Each action involves a conscious choice by the individual.

Form new habits by replacing the inappropriate action with a healthier behavior. The new behavior provides a similar outcome with positive consequences. For example, if you suffer from anxiety, engage in physical activity rather than viewing pornography.

Control your environment by making changes. If your compulsive behavior begins with hanging out with coworkers after work, then go directly home or straight to the gym. Look for proactive ways to make sure you avoid those surroundings which increase the likelihood of engaging in your temptations.

Employ social motivation to improve the likelihood of change. Individual therapy can assist by holding you accountable to another person. Maintaining an open and honest demeanor helps you examine what triggers and motivates your inappropriate actions.

Using guided imagery in individual therapy helps practice new behaviors. The power of imagination can help you visualize engaging in more appropriate behaviors while resisting negative ones. It also gives you the opportunity to deal with any powerful emotions which arise during the exercise while in the safety of an individual session.

Struggling with compulsive/addictive behaviors greatly interferes with achieving your potential. If you suffer with addictive behaviors please don’t hesitate to call for help. Individual therapy helps begin the process of change. Call or email Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787 or barbara@drgoschi.com.

Tending to Your Relationship

Posted on February 10, 2018 at 5:11 pm in Add some romance to your relationship this Valentine's Day, Couples Counseling Chicago, Divorce and Infidelity Counseling, Family Counseling Chicago, Relationship Issues Counseling, Sex Therapy Counseling

Tending to Your Relationship

Over time the luster of your relationship may dwindle. Keeping passion alive in your marriage requires some effort. This advice sometimes sounds counter intuitive especially if the couple have been together for a long time. It makes sense to tend to your marriage whether together one year of fifty.

I remind my clients that even though they’ve been together a long time that personal needs and desires can and often do change. In fact, adjustments in personal needs can profoundly impact the tenor of a relationship. Couples counseling helps the couple learn how to express their evolving needs, feelings, hopes and dreams.

Couples talks can lead to arguments. Many couples fight repeatedly over the same issues. Couples counseling can help disrupt dysfunctional marital patterns. How a couple argues may contribute to the conflict. New skills acquired in therapy help the couple stop the destructive cycle.

Busy working couples find it extremely hard to make time for themselves let alone each other. Sometimes attending couple’s therapy is the only time couples make for each other. There’s just something wrong with this picture. Rather, schedule time to nurture your relationship. I often ask couples to institute a date night to help move things along.

Couples counseling helps get at the underlying issues that add to your marriage’s negative spiral. Counseling teaches each person how to listen and communicate better about what really matters rather than fighting over issues that tend to tear the relationship down. Sex can even start happening on a regular basis when the other conflicts are being taken care of.

It’s never too late to attempt to fix your marriage. Your relationship deserves your utmost attention. Put your marriage on equal par with your parenting and/or your career plans. Yes, it’s that important! As always I’m here to help. Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-12787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com