Dr. Barbara Goschi – Chicago Sex, Addiction & Couples Counseling

Good Bye Mom!

Mother’s Day is right around the corner and for many of us it is bittersweet. Although we love the attention from our kids and husband this may be the first year that we are without our wonderful mothers. We think back to all of the times we spent with them over the years and wonderful holidays spent together. For many this year will be so very different without her!

Life’s journey at times seems extremely difficult. We pass through various stages, sometimes excited, other times filled with dread. Becoming a mother for the first time results in joy. You recall sharing your enthusiasm and fears of being a new mother with your mom who offered great words of wisdom and encouragement.

No one could put us at ease like our mother could. No one loved us unconditionally like our mother. This is probably the first thing many people experience with the loss of a mother. “Who will love me even at my worst?” Only a mother (or father) can love their offspring throughout life unconditionally.

For some of us being in therapy has been the first and only place where we’ve felt accepted and understood; especially those from dysfunctional families. Although more the exception than the rule, most of these individuals benefit from individual therapy as a way to work through their loss.

Some individuals lose their moms early in their life before really getting to know them well enough to form an adult relationship with them. They don’t know what it’s like to have a friendship with one’s mom. These individuals come to rely on themselves for what some of us luxuriously have been able to get from our mother. Yet, sometimes their personality’s formed around grief making them prone to depression. Individual therapy of course helps these people as well.

Today, many middle aged individuals are losing their Mothers to debilitating diseases such as Alzheimer’s. My knowledge comes from various sources: a mother who died from the disease, treating individuals, and reading several books on the topic. One such book I’ll be quoting today is Alzheimer’s from A to Z, written by Jytte Lokvig and Dr. John Becker. This book outlines many topics and offers some resources for those seeking groups or treatment options.

As young adults we don’t think about roles changing with our parents. No one tells us about the arduous journey that we may have to embark on with aging parents. Especially, if we’ve had a fairly healthy, loving relationship with them. Feeling alone and confused profoundly affects our relationships and even our work. Individual counseling can help you emerge from your isolation.

Not many individuals demonstrate expertise in treating dementia. Very few clients seek treatment for themselves while caring for their aged parents. Although it totally makes sense for a person to seek individual therapy for just such issues. I believe that individuals don’t seek help because they feel ashamed of what they’re feeling. They feel guilty about secretly wishing they didn’t have to spend so much time with their aging parents. They end up feeling like they have another child. Now that new found free time that they fantasizing about completely vanishes. What type of daughter/son wouldn’t spend their free time helping their ailing mother?

Instead, the person prays (if one believes in God) that their parent passes quietly in the night. These thoughts lead to guilt. “How can I possibly think something so awful?” While some might say, “At least you still have your mom.” Alzheimer’s hijacks the individual we once knew as our mom replacing them with an abusive, badly behaved stranger.

Those of us living through this nightmare know the sleepless nights spent not rocking a wonderful baby to sleep but dealing with a hallucinating parent. Nighttime is particularly difficult with Alzheimer’s patients as outlined by Lokvig and Becker, 2004 (Alzheimer’s A to Z). Their depression, known as “Sundowners,” worsens as the evening goes on. Combative behavior increases as their fears mount. For others, they begin hallucinating seeing strangers in their home. Some won’t have any idea where they are even though they’ve lived there for most of their married life.

After an evening of this you feel exhausted. Feelings of anger and resentment can be followed again by guilt. Lokvig and Becker point out that people may think you were a saint. You can’t help but think “If you only knew how frustrated I became or how much I wanted to escape.”

“It’s very hard for us to talk about these ‘dark’ thoughts or even admit to ourselves that we harbor them. … You cannot help but feel burdened with the task you’ve taken on, and you may find yourself envious and resentful of your siblings or friends who are free to pursue their own lives” (Lokvig and Becker, 2004).

Perhaps caregivers don’t seek therapy for the disturbing feelings that we experience, especially the guilt and the shame. Rather, a person should realize that these feelings are absolutely normal. I would highly recommend that individuals seek therapy and help dealing with their parent’s disease. Therapy helps the person realize that they’re not a bad person for having such difficult emotions and instead focus on all that your mother was, the good she gave you and that we did our best.

You need time to refuel to feel good about your life to remember the person that you loved rather than your diseased parent. Please don’t suffer through this alone. Therapy can be so very beneficial. Call today (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com