Process addictions, in particular sex addiction, causes much confusion. People tend to lump those individuals who act out sexually as “sex addicts.” Or, even put sex offenders and the paraphillias in the same category as sex addicts. There is a huge difference. Sexual addiction is defined as a loss of control, having a negative impact on your life, developing a tolerance for the behavior, denying it’s a problem, and blaming others for your acting out. Individual therapy helps define whether the person is struggling with an addiction and if they require the help of therapy to recapture their lives.
According to many expert’s sex addiction/process addictions can be broken down into discrete stages. The individual struggling with an addiction moves through these various stages one after the other often feeling trapped. One stage feeds into the next causing a negative spiral of emotions and inappropriate behaviors often leading to self-loathing.
Robert Weiss in his “Sex Addiction 101” book outlines the various stages of sex addiction. Many addicts share these six stages. The first stage is the triggers. Triggers are those actions, thoughts, places, visual cues, even smells which act as catalysts for the inappropriate behavior. Emotions, such as anger, sadness, shame, anxiety and loneliness can also be powerful triggers.
The second stage involves fantasizing about past encounters and the enjoyable memories. These thoughts become obsessional over time growing in strength. Individual therapy helps the person explore the reasons for the fantasies while coming up with strategies to stop them.
Stage three involves ritualizing the sexual acting out. Fantasy begins to dictate behavior. The addict goes to their favorite bar or begins looking at postings on Craig’s list. The addict describes this experience as lost in a bubble without concerns for the real world or their action’s consequences.
Acting out occurs in stage four. The addict perceives this stage as the most desired aspect of the addiction. The individual consummates the sexual act. But, the addict really desires escape and dissociation. The sexual enactment ends the fantasy abruptly.
This sudden end leads directly to stage five. During this phase the addict feels numb attempting to distance themselves from what has just taken place. Justification or even blame enters the addict’s language. Individual therapy helps the addict stop blaming others or justifying their behavior rather than taking full responsibility for their actions.
The last stage of sex addiction results in self-loathing and other terrible emotions including shame, guilt, anxiety and depression. At this point they may seek individual treatment given the hopelessness they feel. Or, it may simple foster a repeat of the process all over again. Individual therapy can help break the cycle for the addict, so they can gain some true insight and alternative ways of coping with the disruptive triggers that begin the cycle.
If you or a loved one are struggling with a sex addiction don’t hesitate to call or email Dr. Goschi at (312)595-1787 or barbara@drgoschi.com. Your healing can begin today!