Many sex addict’s actions confuse those around them. It seems that at times they completely deny that they have a problem instead blaming others for their actions. The addicted individual often places responsibility for his/her behaviors on their spouse, bad marriage, negative feelings, or bad job. Overall, the person finds it difficult to take responsibility for their actions.
It seems obvious to other’s that the sex addict experiences severe problems. In individual therapy a spouse or significant other often discloses their confusion. “Why does it mean so much to them?” or “How can they allow the sex addiction to take priority over me and the kids?” Some sex addicts lose everything to maintain their addictive behavior.
Most sexual addicts have been exposed to early life trauma . Dr. Christine Courtois defines trauma as “… any event or experience that is physically and/or psychologically overwhelming to the exposed individual.” These varied traumatic events set the stage for resorting to destructive behavior later in life. The addict learns poor coping mechanisms and often repeats the trauma by acting out as an adult. However, it is during these very difficult times in their childhood that the addict learns to use primitive defense mechanisms. Sex addict’s use primitive defensive structures to “protect” them from seeing or acknowledging their addictive behavior. The defenses that protected them as a child now are considered destructive.
What are these defense mechanisms? Perhaps the most primitive of all is denial. The sex addict acts as if the painful event (memory or emotion) does not exist. “I’m not feeling anxious because of my addiction rather it’s because my job sucks.” Twelve step programs often deal with breaking through the denial to help the addict take ownership of one’s own behavior. Individual therapy also helps the addict acknowledge their use of denial to continue the destructive life style.
Regression is another primitive defense used by addicts. The regressive behaviors of the addict resemble actions of a much younger person. They become clingy or dependent on others rather than relying on themselves to solve the problem. In contrast, adults rely on themselves and view others as equals. Addicts sometimes find this process difficult as they need so much themselves.
Most of us familiar with addictions understand the defensive acting-out that constantly occurs. The sexual acting out temporarily ends the painful emotions associated with the underlying addiction. However, when the acting out ends the guilt and shame associated with the sexual behavior overwhelm the individual. Individual therapy helps address the underlying issues and the triggers associated with these acting out behaviors.
Individuals who exhibit the strongest history of childhood trauma survive the memories by acting as if they are someone else. As adults they have a disconnected view of themselves. The addict’s “created self” does not suffer from the same problems. This defense mechanism is known as dissociation. The defensive behavior provides them with a temporary escape.
Individual treatment along with a 12 step sex addiction group helps the individual confront their behavior. Rather than engaging in the above mentioned primitive defense mechanisms the individual learns new means of coping with their strong emotions. Ideally, the individual will learn how to identify their feelings and tolerate them while acquiring new ways of expressing themselves. For example, clients learn to become more assertive and replace their negative behaviors with healthier more gratifying means of coping with the complexities of their lives.
If you or someone you love struggles with sex addiction don’t hesitate to call Dr. Goschi for an individual therapy appointment. She can be reached directly at (312)595-1787 or by email at barbara@drgoschi.com