We seem to exclusively talk about the addict when addressing any addiction, whether it is alcohol, sex, opioids or even social media addictions. In our conversations about the sex addict or alcoholic we forget about “the other.” I’m referring to the family member, wife, child, sibling, or significant other, who often silently deals with the antics of the addict.
“The other” often suffers the most from the addiction. Siblings of an addict witness countless tumultuous events in their lives. Many times the family member’s home life was turned upside down by the addict. These individuals replay stories over and over in their heads. They talk about Holidays during which the day was going well until the addict “ruined” everything. Their memories of the Holiday remain filled with conflict rather than fond recollections and laughter.
The wife, husband, sibling, girlfriend or boyfriend never know what to expect. This makes life so very difficult for all of those around the addict. Their lives are never predictable. They cannot bring friends home because you never know who you are going to get. Thus, the stress levels for everyone else are so very high that home is no longer a soothing environment. Instead, “the other” may prefer to be outside of the home as much as possible.
Fighting is only one part of it. It also involves blame and icy cold relationships as well. Whether sex addiction, alcohol addiction, the addict initially refuses to take responsibility for his or her own actions. Rather, everyone else is the reason why the addict over indulges. On the other hand, apologies might happen and then “the other” feels guilty for having been so hard on the addict.
However we look at this it’s never about “the other.” The addict sucks up all of the oxygen in the room. Either it’s through their outrageous antics, their incredible moodiness, or when they begin recovery it’s all about them. The meetings, the individual therapy, the extreme changes to their life style which again can have a huge impact on the other. You may ask yourself when does this personal hell end? Attending Al Anon meetings helps. Working the 12 steps can be very helpful as well.
“The other” has lived in isolation for so long that reaching out for Individual therapy yourself in conjunction with Alanon can be extremely beneficial. Therapy is a place where it is finally about you not the sex addict or alcoholic. You can say or feel whatever you want and someone will listen to you. You can talk about how crazy your life has felt and receive validation rather than scorn. You can talk about why you’ve stayed and why you still want to stay rather than having someone question you and constantly tell you that you should leave. Individual therapy is finally that place where you can grow as an individual, become the person you have long desired to be without judgment.
If you are finding yourself in the grips of an addictive relationship call to schedule your individual therapy appointment today. Dr. Goschi is there to help. You can reach her at (312)595-1787 or by email at barbara@drgoschi.com.