Dr. Goschi's Newsletter Archives - Dr. Barbara Goschi - Chicago Sex, Addiction & Couples CounselingDr. Barbara Goschi - Chicago Sex, Addiction & Couples Counseling

Dr. Goschi's Newsletter

Putting on a Good Holiday Face

Posted on November 10, 2018 at 1:23 pm in Dr. Goschi's Newsletter

Dreading the Holidays? Why? Maybe because spending time with your family and friends only increases stress in your life. Perhaps you feel you must put on a happy face to hide personal or marital conflict. Needing to hide conflict can be extremely stressful.

What to do when you don’t feel comfortable sharing your conflict with family members. There are better ways of coping with the stress of these events rather than avoiding the occasions completely. Holiday parties are hardly the place to discuss issues with which you are struggling. To the contrary, this is a time to share joy and reconnect with others in your family.

For example, in advance of the Holidays decide which activities you would like to participate in. Do not be bullied or guilted into attending parties or events that cause you anxiety or make it difficult for you to continue to cope. Select only those events that bring you pleasure.

Sometimes it’s not the event that is stressful but an individual. In those situations, make sure you and your partner have talked about how you might best deal with these problematic persons. Use each other as support perhaps even have a safe word or phrase that let’s the other know that you need to escape.

Don’t judge each other for needing help when your great aunt, mother or brother have cornered you or your partner. Each of our needs must be respected at this time of year. For example, put a time limit on how long we want to stay at a potentially stressful party. If you know that the event will be emotionally difficult arrive early and/or leave early. It’s sometimes easier to be the first person at the party. This way everyone says hello to you as they come in rather than being late and then having to go around and say hello to a large group of individuals. Having to “make the rounds” can be extremely difficult if you suffer from social anxiety.

It is also important for you to engage in traditions that make you happy during the Holidays. Start some traditions of your own that don’t involve family members but rather include a close group of friends. This helps fill the season with pleasurable events rather than stressful ones.

Spending time with family at the Holiday is not a hard and fast rule, especially if the emotional cost is too high. For instance, if you’ve recently divorced you don’t have to spend it with your ex and his/her family just to make the children happy. Nothing is worth your wellbeing. Children come to grips with the fact that they won’t have both parents at the same events anymore.

On the other hand, don’t isolate yourself because you don’t like the way your father-in-law makes the turkey. Reasons for skipping family parties should be substantial rather than trivial. Remember that your spouse loves his or her family and usually would love nothing more than if you loved them too.

Enjoy the Holiday season as best you can. Garner support from those who care about you. Look for the joy that can be had during seasonal festivities. And, don’t forget to take care of yourself during what can be a very stressful time.

I look forward to helping you in the coming year! Don’t hesitate to call or email me for an appointment today. You can reach me at barbara@drgoschi.com or call at (312)595-1787.

Relationship Satisfaction linked to Personality Traits

Posted on July 16, 2018 at 9:09 pm in Dr. Goschi's Newsletter

Relationship Satisfaction linked to Personality Traits

Research conducted by Wilson, et al in 2018 appearing in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology essentially looked at maladaptive personality traits and how these traits affected a couple’s level of romantic satisfaction. Wilson, et al wanted to know if individuals suffering from a serious personality impairment would show similar levels of impairment in their significant relationships.

Most couples seeking therapy struggle with some sort of dysfunction. For example, many couples struggle with anxiety. Within these marriages one partner may struggle with anxiety while the other partner balances out the relationship using a calm demeanor. When reading this summary do not assume your relationship is doomed if you exhibit one or more of these maladaptive traits.

Researchers looked at five maladaptive personality characteristics. These “pathological personality traits” were based on the DSM V self-report that measures pathological personality levels. The study found that these “traits” caused significant impairment in the individual and to their interpersonal functioning. The research identified pathological groups as individuals who exhibited “impaired psychosocial functioning, including lower life satisfaction, less participation in society, decreased mobility/self-care limitations, greater impulse-control problems, work problems, and relationship problems.”

The researchers studied these five maladaptive traits; “Negative Affectivity (emotional lability, anxiousness, and separation insecurity), Detachment (withdrawal, anhedonia, and intimacy avoidance), Antagonism (manipulativeness, deceitfulness, and grandiosity), Disinhibition (irresponsibility, impulsivity, and distractibility), Psychoticism (unusual belief, eccentricity, and perceptual dysregulation).” Psychologists used to refer to these “traits” as neurotic styles.

Antagonism correlated the least with romantic dissatisfaction. In contrast, “extreme variants of personality” seemed linked to lower satisfaction with intimate relationships. Over time, these “extreme” traits tended to undermine the quality of the relationship. In marital therapy this bears some truth. Extremely disturbed partners and their dysfunctional behavior result in constant tumult. Couples therapy or coaching can help when partners make the difficult changes necessary to overcome their problems.

Marital therapists see varying degrees of the five dysfunctional traits mentioned in the research. After some effort working through the conflict the couple begins to feel relief. Many times the couple acquires new positive behaviors to replace the old ones. Marital therapy and/or coaching helps with this growth process.

Some individuals do exhibit high levels of pathology. In these instances, the partner needs to make an assessment of whether they should stay in the marriage. The research implies that partners of these highly dysfunctional individuals may also suffer from severe psychological issues. They may tolerate their partner for these reasons. Other times the partner’s pathology only reveals itself after marriage. These particular individuals can hide a lot from their partners. It is as if the individual was on their best behavior till the vows were exchanged.

However, I’m an optimist. I’ve seen couples work through very difficult issues to find a better, more loving relationship on the other side. Of course, this doesn’t always happen and I’ve seen my share of very problematic relationships which result in divorce. I would like to see follow up research. For those individuals who are deemed severely “pathological” do they ever get better and eventually find a fulfilling relationship?

If your marriage is in trouble please don’t hesitate to call today to schedule a couples’ therapy or a coaching session. I’m here to help you work through your conflict to find better solutions and a more fulfilling relationship. Call today! You can reach me at (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

Sexual addiction – the negative impact on relationships

Posted on March 8, 2010 at 4:56 pm in Dr. Goschi's Newsletter

Sex addiction is a fairly new term and certainly making headlines with Tiger Woods. Unfortunately, sexual dysfunctions and addictions negatively impact relationships more than we would like to admit. With the advent of the computer sexual content and interactive sites have become much more available. Pornography sites have taken sexual acting out to a whole new level. Where an individual once struggled with shame/guilt over visiting an adult book store or strip club it is now only a mouse click away. No one else has to see you there and you don’t have to make excuses to your significant other about where you have been.

Our society at large is voyuristic by nature. However, sex addiction is simply not just viewing or fantasizing. It follows the benchmarks of how professionals traditionally define addiction. The behavior must significantly interfere with normal life. In my interpretation this means for many the threat of job loss, the inability to have “normal” sexual interactions with your partner, loss of interest in other activities, an abnormal preoccupation with the sexual behavior, and basically the ruination of ones life.

The addiction is so massively widespread that many corporations are now monitoring internet usage in efforts to kill the urge to engage in such behaviors at work. Not sure if they are winning or losing the battle. Of course, the behavior may be restricted solely to home. The individual will control the urge all day instead waiting until everyone is asleep so that the behavior can go on into the night uninterrupted. Typically, this behavior has its own set of consequences. People around the addict begin to notice how sleep deprived the addict and that they are out of bed more than they are in it.

The spouse/partner usually pulls the addict in for treatment with the presenting complaint that sex simply does not happen as much as it used to or that they found huge amounts of pornography on the computer. Interestingly, the partner is usually pretty unaware of how long the problem has existed and to what depth. There are many variations to sexual addiction. But, they all have profound effects on a persons ability to be a husband, wife, partner, mother, father, friend, or boss. Treatment is therefore the only option.

Treatment also comes in all shapes and sizes. For exampe, the press informed us that Tiger decided (or perhaps was told) that going to a rehab was his option of choice. Certainly, with all the press and the number of affairs this most likely was the best option for him. For the average person, or the individual who cannot affort rehab, intensive therapy is the answer. This means individual therapy, couples therapy, an addiction support group as well as twelve step meetings. The partner may need their own individual counseling to help them deal with their intense feelings and perhaps how they “enabled” their partner to remain addicted.

In writing about sex addiction I am hoping to alert people to the growning epidemic which is happening quietly around us. In fact, I believe the national statistic, last I checked, stated that most children are exposed to internet pornography by the sweet age of 11. In fact, after reading this alarming fact I asked my own 11 year old if he had ever seen any “nude” pictures on friend’s computers. Indeed, he had. That helped me to arm him much better going forward.

The reasons we are so vulnerable to sexual addiction is well outlined in Dr. Carnes’ book. It is an excellent read and will help you get on the right track to healing. I believe that loving an addict, wanting more from your relationship, and a willingness to engage in the hard work of change can heal the wounds. Couples and individual counseling with someone who understands the process can support and keep the treatment on track. I am not saying that it’s an easy road – it isn’t. But I do believe that it is worth the journey because often times there is success waiting at the other end. Keep the faith and remember to make working on yourself a priority.

Taming Stress

Posted on November 4, 2009 at 1:47 pm in Dr. Goschi's Newsletter

“Good” stress helps us work harder and reach our potential. Optimal stress allows us to score better on standardized tests and work more diligently at our jobs. However, when stress reaches overwhelming levels our sense of well being begins to erode. Negative feedback, bad news and conflict can cause stress levels to sky rocket deeply affecting our moods, our physical health, and psychological well being.

Some stressors are generated by environmental events outside of our control, such as, losing your job or getting divorced. While other stressors are self generated. Uncertainty, self-doubt and fear can lead to great conflicts within ourself.

People have a flight or fight response to stressful situations. If we believe in our ability to tackle the problem our outcome is usually better. Responses to stress can range from feeling nervous, emotional withdrawal, or agitation. When stressed we may also engage in unproductive behaviors like increased alcohol consumption, drug abuse, excessive use of pornography, or insomnia. Of course, any of these aberrant behaviors negatively impact our relationships.

Physical remedies for stress are straight forward. Exercise, meditation, and relaxation. Exercise raises levels of serotonin and endorphin resulting in a heightened sense of well being. Another stress buster is meditation. Just ten minutes of meditation daily can have enormous benefits like lowering blood pressure, reducing cortisone levels, and clearing your mind of negative thoughts. Relaxation exercises use guided imagery that walks you through deep breathing, succinct muscle contraction, and progressive relaxation. Guided imagery is highly successful in reducing stress related symptomatology.

Lastly, utilizing supportive relationships also helps reduce stress. Don’t underestimate the healing power of a good laugh with a friend, partner, or child. Interacting with others brings relief. We know how valuable our loved ones and a sense of connectedness is to our well being.

Simply putting to use one of these tactics make an immediate difference in reducing stress levels. Utilizing more than one technique makes you feel much better. In fact, utilizing these strategies are often as good as using medication. Still, medication can help those individuals experiencing severe panic and extreme anxiety. Psychotherapy also helps a person conquer the anxiety caused by a stressful life. Call to make an appointment or visit The 10 Minute Couch for resources to get started. As always Dr. Goschi is here to help you achieve your potential, Call Today!