I dare to say that launching our senior parents is equally as stressfull if not more.  The event can be even more painful if riddled with conflict.  If our parents didn’t make the effort to plan carefully for their retirment years then “we” their adult children are burdened with making the difficult choices.  I understand that no one wants to spend their final days fixed into a wheel chair parked in front of TV land shows.  I know that we want to believe that we will all exit as vital participants of our milieu.  However, with the very real statistic that 80% of individuals over 80 will suffer from dementia it is unrealistic to think that we will be capable of making the right choices for ourselves.  We will need our children to help make those decisions for us.

As children we are loathe to make those choices for our parents for fcar that they will never speak to us again.  It can also be financially crippling.  With our children living at home post college due to no jobs, the changing landscape for senior facilities, and having dwindling incomes it is a recipe for disaster.  So, some of us deal with the conflict by retreating from our parents.  Others, watch from a distance while waiting for some terrible event to happen.

I am never a fan of passivity.  Rather, I believe that a plan is always better and in doing so we are provided with a sense of hope and control.  I would suggest starting with your parents primary care physician.  He/she will usally give you an accurate sense of how quickly or severely your parents health is deteriorating.  Using that information as your guideline you can look for a social worker who specializes in helping families with senior parents to help lay out a plan of action.  These professionals are very good at knowing what rescources are available financially and emotionally.    Get as many family members on board as you can so that in fighting between concerned relatives doesn’t become unmanagable.

Also, take care of yourself physically and emotionally.  Therapy can help get you through the emotional turmoil and upcoming grief.  You may be suprised how much an empathic ear and supportive relationship can help.  Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787 or email at barbara@drgoschi.com.

We think women have a difficult time coming forward when they are abused well in my experience I’ve found it even more difficult for male victims.  This is tremendously unfortunate since neither women nor men “should” feel ashamed about the sexual abuse to them but they often do.

So, I just wanted to say how proud I am of those brave individuals who have come forward.  They have not only begun their own journey of healing and purging their souls but have protected how many more young boys from suffering the same fate.  Bravo to you all and as a therapist and a mother I applaud you all!

Women are tremendously prone to worry because we tend to be caretakers of everyone in our lives.  Sometimes,or might I say many times, we worry about everyone else to the detriment of ourselves.  Worry better known as anxiety can reek havoc on our physical and mental health.  Anxiety is one of those strange emotions that can help us do well on tests.  However, if we experience too much then it interferes with performance.  So, anxiety can get moving or can cripple our ability to function.  It’s a fine line and a hard one control.

However, I would encourage all the women in my life to at least try.  There are a few simple steps that can really help manage anxiety.  If it’s anxiety that’s caused by procrastination then I would encourage an individual to tackle the task one peice at a time.  If  the anxiety/worry is due to something we cannot control then I would encourage some different apporaches.

In an earlier post, I spoke of how we cannot be anxious if our bodies are relaxed.  Therefore, I would encourage you to engage in those activities which maximize relaxation.  For example, meditation/yoga are wonderful forms of deep relaxation.   Any form of work out can also lead to the alleviation of stress and the release of endorphins.  Lastly, I would encourage you to put the concerns out of your mind especially if your thoughts are destructive.

I the anxiety isn’t helping you move forward then actively work at alleviating your anxiety.  Therapy and meds can be extremely helpful if you’ve been officially diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder.

Take charge of your life today and call Dr. Goschi because help is just a phone call away @ (312)595-1787.

•  Manage your stress by being organized, plan in 1 or 2 hour blocks of time so you succeed in getting things done.
• Make special time to enjoy immediate family, extended family and friends.
• Do something special for yourself.
• Buy gift cards or things online if shopping is too stressful.
• Leave time to exercise.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Make time to do something you love during the season.
• Watch a good Holiday movie.
• Resist being Wonder woman or Superman and share the chores.
• Tell important people how much they mean to you and allow them to reciprocate.
• Most of all have a wonderful, stress free Holiday Season and I’ll talk with you in the New Year!

If you need me help is just a phone call away. Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

I heard someone reporting last night that someone must have noticed that Sandusky was a weirdo and has to be different from the rest of us “normal people.” Well, I am here to tell you that pedophiles, that’s what Sanduscky should be labeled, can seem as ”normal” as anyone else. This is the brutal reality that people don’t understand. How do I know this? Well, I used to do psychological testing on pedophiles and worked inpatient with them as well.

The one thing child sex abusers have in common is that you would never know their dirty little secret by looking at or having a regular conversation with them. They fit in our environment. Often, they are married with children and even their own wives had no clue what is going on. Often, they don’t target their own children instead they abuse all the neighborhood children or the children they coach. We just don’t want to believe this is true.

In fact, it is true that pedophiles as a group are usually categorized as being heterosexual and can successfully have what seems to be normal sexual relations with their partners. The pedophile frequently tells themselves that they are not doing anything wrong but instead just teaching the 10 year old about sexuality. They perceive it as mutual fun between themselves and the child. It is only when the jig is up and severely confronted that they admit that what they did was wrong.  This is how Sandusky can say without hesitation that he wasn’t abusing these boys, rather, he cared deeply for them.

Pedophilia also tends to run in families. I have treated abused individuals, who are now pedophiles themselves,  that were abused by their grandparents.  Following generations continue the sexual abuse patterns because it is what they have learned. In my own universe, I have never met a pedophile who hasn’t been sexually abused as a child.  However, that’s only my own experience but I bet if you looked at the research it would support this opinion.  So, it becomes a destructive pattern that continues on and on. I won’t bore you with the psychological details of such pathology but let me just emphasize that the problems run deep, are powerful and resistant to orthodox forms of psychotherapy.

So, as parents how can we possibly protect our children from exposure to such evil. Well, I believe that just as we inoculate our children against childhood diseases so must we against sexual predators. Begin early and have the conversation with your children often. You of course can gear the level of conversation based on the age of your children. After all, this is really what the stranger danger conversation is about.  But, we must take it further than this and talk to them about what is acceptable behavior from adults and what is not.  No adult other than mom or dad should be showering with your child.  This is just one example of how to help them understand appropriate boundaries. So, please, please, please, talk to your children about predators.

Make sure that all coaches and anyone who has regular access to your child knows that you’re an involved parent. Not only do predators look for opportunity but they also look for the child who seems to be isolated. If you are a full time working parent connect with at least one other child and their family at school or make sure the babysitter understands the importance of not allowing your child to have too much face time alone with any adult.  And, tell your child than they can tell you anything, you will not blame them and that you will listen. Boy victims, in particular, are ashamed that it happened to them. Even at an early age they feel that they should have prevented the abuse by fighting back. This is ridiculous for a sweet boy to think for a moment.  But, believe me they live with the guilt well into their adult lives. If they have been abused get them help immediatlely. Be a part of the healing process no matter how long or how painful it might be for everyone involved.

I know this is a terrible subject to talk, however, we should probably be talking more openly and honestly about this topic.

As always help is just a phone call away. Don’t struggle alone call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787 or email for your appointment at barbara@drgoschi.com

If a parent lives well into their 80′s or 90′s it is likely that they will require additional support.  Whether it’s their physical or cognitive issues it is a struggle to provide them with the attention they deserve/require.  But today I want to talk more about deteriorating cognitive abilities that affect so many of our beloved senior parents.  Whether it is a diagnosable case of Alzheimers or Dementia or simply the normal deterioration of the aging brain.

Alzheimer’s is a disease first discovered in 1906 by a German neuropathologist.  In particular, Alzheimer’s refers to a deterioration of nerve clusters in the brain.  As a person develops the disease the nerve clusters become tangled and calcified.  The calcification process causes many of the brain cells to die.  The death of the brain cells is what affects memory and behavior in the afflicted individual.

To diagnose the illness the person must be tested and often brain scans are done as well.  A wooping 6 million individuals are diagnosed with Alzheimers in the United Sates alone.  It is estimated 10% of the population over 65 and 50% of the population over 85 will develop Alzheimers.  On average a person lives for  8 years following the initial diagnosis.  Mind you these are only averages.

There are thought to be at least 6 general causes of Alzheimer’s.  Some are found to have stronger links than others.  I will just list them for you rather than get into the details.  The attributing factors are as follows; increased blood pressure and high cholesterol, gene mutations on three chromosomes, amyloid beta protein that doesn’t break down, folate and choline deficiencies, excessive amounts of aluminum and environmental toxins.

While we could ruminate about the causes of the deterioration in our senior parent’s functioning it is instead important to understand how to best cope with their symptoms.  First and foremost you have to take care of yourself.  Coping with the insidious nature of this illness can cause enormous stress.  Get support from wherever you can.  Do not isolate yourself.  Talk to loved ones.  Make sure you pay attention to your health.

It is essential to always maintain a non confrontational positive attitude when dealing with your Alzheimer inflicted parent.  Remember, they cannot control their moods or feelings.  They are no longer the parent that you remember.  Instead, you should adapt your reactions to fit with their reality.  There is simply no point to arguing with a parent who cannot recuperate memories to which you’re referring.  Instead, take each day as it comes and look for the simply joys you can continue to embrace with your afflicted parent.

As always help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi today at (312)595-1787.

Somehow having your children busier than is comprehensible has become a sign of good parenting.  I’m not sure where this idealogical mindset began.  I know that it is good to expose your children to new experiences.  It helps them grow as individuals and increases their interest in physical activities and intellectual persuits.  But, when it comes to our children more does not equal better.  Rather, it is my belief that more is acutally detrimental to many fundamental developmental, emotional and psychological milestones.

I believe the hope in keeping your child busy every minute of their life prevents them from becoming overweight, keeps them book smart and prevents them from abusing substances.  Oh, if only this philosophy were true.  I fear that we are creating other problems by controlling everything our children do.  The old adage “Something has to give” applies here.  The over scheduled child will need to work less in one or all areas.

There is new research that speaks to multi-tasking and I believe the results apply perfectly here.  Those of use who are engaged in too many activities at one time become stupider.  Doing homework at hockey practice does not result in good academic habits.  Nor does it give school the level of importance it deserves.  It’s fine to play hockey but keep the two in their appropriate boxes.

The other important issue is how a person learns to schedule their own free time.  Youngsters need to learn how to fill up time with those things they enjoy.  Novelty ideas and creative thinking are born from time to ponder.  Emotional development follows a similar trajectory in that relationships evolve over time and issues are worked out based on free interaction.  Kids must be able to move in the world at their own pace.  Playing in the backyard or with neighbors is becoming less of a common phenomenon.

Lastly, having time to spend with the family over dinner remains invaluable.  It is a way in which we form intimate realtionships with siblings and parnets.  There is no better way of getting to know what your children are really up to than checking in with them at the dinner table.  Don’t underestimate the power of reading a book together, wathching a family freindly movie together, or playing a board game after dinner.  I must admit that I was pleased to hear that more families were involved in these behaviors.  I hope that families find interactions more valuable and continue to engage in these activities onece the downturn is over.

As always help is just a phone call away . If you find yourself in need of family therapy help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com

So, what are the emotional and psychological effects that I am seeing in my office. I am seeing more anxiety than I can ever remember. It is especially true of my individual clients who are over 40.  As I was driving home the other evening my son and I witnessed the aftermath of a 59 year old man having taken his own life by jumping in front of a Metra train.  Unfortunately, this behavior has become an all to frequent occurrence.  So, what gives?

For a person to have a general sense of well being there needs to be a certain level of predictablity.  Middle age individuals tend to be less likely to want to take risks.  Rather, people tend to become creatures of habit.  We tend to engage in the same rituals day after day.  We fold our towels the same way, buy similar groceries from the store, call the same friends, practice the same religious belief and even have sex in the same position.

While this may strike some as boring to many others it symbolizes comfort.   I believe that what I am seeing today is a severe erosion of esteem, confidence and comfort for many individuals in their middle years.  Middle aged individuals are questioning whether they still add value to society.  I think it stems from so many middle aged individuals having lost their jobs.  To this individual, their jobs were not just careers but came to represent identity.  Just think about how you describe yourself at a dinner party?  Do you at some point talk about what you do for a living?

As always I like to point out the possible solutions.  I believe it is important in times like these to focus on what we have accomplished rather than what we are missing.  No one can take that away.  During stressful and unpredictable times in our life we need to meet our needs more dilligently.  For example,  relying on our friends and family to highlight our sense of worth.  People forget to go to others for support – it really does make a difference.  Additionally, lean on whatever faith you have had in your past.  It is amazing how much this can lead to solace.  Lastly, don’t forget to exercise and eat healthy.  Exercise can release those endorphins and eating healthy keeps the stress from damaging our immune systems.  And, if these tactics don’t work there is always therapy.  Even a short stint in your psychologist’s office can help you right the ship.

Don’t forget that help is just a phone call away.  Call Dr. Goschi now at (312)595-1787 or email me at barbara@drgoschi.com

I’m not sure how this issue has evolved among our younger generations but the word entitled comes to mind.  Perhaps it’s the echo of so many parents telling their children that they are great no matter how poorly they have performed.  Or, all the tophies each child has accumulated for just participating in sports.  The schools seem to mirror this attitude with teachers being told they cannot flunk students.  Perhaps it’s our country telling U.S. citizens that we are the best and deserve to have all  of our needs met.

These practices result in children growing up with no idea of what it means to succeed or fail.  Some of the greatest individual accomplishments have been made through hard work and sacrifice.  Extremely successful people will often confess that they have overcome serious setbacks, abuse or impediments that have almost destroyed them.  These same people fought harder to succeed rather than giving up.  One psychology professor at Loyola University, Dr. Dan McAdams, who has done such research – “The Redemptive Self” highlighted the personal struggles of highly successful people like Oprah.

What worries me is the seeming epidemic of  individuals who think  they are “entitled” to everything.  From a cheap mortgage on a house, to a high paying job without commensurate experience, to a marriage in which their spouse adores them no matter how beastly they behave.  There is a real disconnect for certain people.  I’ve heard speculation that this is due to a rise in Narcissism.  I cannot completely agree with this conclusion.  For this sort of full blown pathology to be present you must have had a Narcissistic parent or come from a seriously disturbed family.  I don’t see that many narcissists walking into my office so I can’t believe that our culture is so full of this sort of characterological behavior.

Rather, I postulate extreme self-interest  is related to rewards being so entirely disconnected from behavior.  Many parents push their children to perform without the child’s full understanding of why they should do well and for whom.  “Am I doing this for my parents or for me?”  Some children are highly self-motivated while others are not.  Perhaps the child who isn’t may be more artistic, more social, or simply more contemplative.  I believe there is a place for all different types of personalities and that eventually we find our own way.

However, if we have been told our whole lives that we deserve everything without earning the prize then there is a huge problem.  Perhaps it has been the decades of everything just comes too easy that has caused the disconnect for us.  I’m struck by the scores of individuals who still think they are “entitled” to a home which they cannot afford.  Talk to anyone who has survived the Great Depression and they will speak candidly about how entitled they perceive the subsequent generations.

I suppose the solution is simultaneously at a familial and social level.  Somehow the family unit has to teach children that not everyone is a super star.  That each person has strengths and weaknesses.  And, that is ok to be flawed.  Let’s normalize that concept so that moving forward individuals have a more realistic concept of success.  Additionally, let’s pair hard work with success.  I mean intellectually, physical and emotional hard work.   I don’t like the arbitrary distinctions that are implied today.  There are vastly different ways to perform “hard work” and in my opinion they are all valuable.

Feelings of entitlement are abstract constructs to be sure.  Thus, it’s quite difficult to nail the correct answer in a few paragraphs.  But, I believe it’s important enough to start thinking about.  I am seeing more relationships, marriages, jobs and children suffering as a result of these pervasive attitudes.  Perhaps you have your own thoughts which can facilitate growth in this area – don’t be afraid to voice that opinion.

As always don’t struggle with issues on your own.  Reach out for help from a loved one ora professional.  Help is simply a phone call away.  Contact Dr. Goschi directly at (312)595-1787.

Yes, we are a voyeristic culture.   And, I’m not saying that wanting to observe is, in and of itself,  pathological.   I am instead expressing that there is something wrong with an inability to keep certain thoughts, actions or body parts private.  Young adults are particularly vulnerable to the behaviors and attitudes of their professors.  They look up to them.  They look to these same individuals to show them how to navigate through a social cultrure that  can at times be quite confusing.  For young adults who are sensitive and/or have a porclivity to emotional issues the professor has to be even more sensitive to how and what they are expessing to their class.  I am saying that Professor Bailey din’t think this through very well.  Perhaps a more appropriate presentation would have been to invite the same guests, doing a diagnostic interview of the couple, and then have a question and answer session with the class.  I think you would have covered the same territory of sexual exhibitionism with full approval by any ethics board like the AMA and APA.  You would have treated your students as intellectual individuals capable of higher order thinking.

The other issue that is huge to me is that who in that roster of students may have been injured by what went on in the class.  As professionals we must have empathy and always be thinking about how our audience could possibly negatively receive this information.  How did this professor prep for this demonstration?  He did say that students could leave and that it would be sexually graphic.  Many individuals walking through my door have been sexually abused.  Sexual abuse is not something a person wears on their sleeve for all to see.  But, I would hope that a clinical psychologist had the enough judgement to take this into consideration prior to engaging in something so provocative.

Needless to say that the professor was feeding into the demonstrators’ pathology.  How about some empathy for them?  My clinical guess would be that one or both had been sexually abused as children or expsed to some pretty bad stuff.  I feel for the girl who this professor allowed to be taken advantage of.  It amazes that none of the female students were angered by this stunt and voiced that.  Those are also the individuals I worry about.   Those people who felt they couldn’t confront the situation but have feelings about the professor.   It certainly makes me wonder if there were any secondary gains for the professor.  I would hope that the chair of the psychology department thinks critically about these sorts of side shows going forward. 

Are we really becoming a culture where anything goes?  I certainly hope not because if there is no longer respect for boundaries then I fear the consequences.   As a culture we will no longer feel it necessary to behave in certain enviornments.  For example, research has told us that children are far more likely to be physically and sexually abused in homes where there are loose or no boundaries.  It is important for our own mental health to make these distinctions.  Acting out on the Internet is one aspect of lack of boundaries but acting out in a classroom  is taking it to an entirely new level.   Those of us who work with others, no matter what the capacity, let’s be responsible and always have a person’s best interest in mind.  Of course, think what you want of my rant.  It is simply my opinion. 

As always if you need help please don’t struggle alone.  Help is just a phone call away.  Call me today at (312)595-1787.