Sex addiction is a fairly new term and certainly making headlines with Tiger Woods. Unfortunately, sexual dysfunctions and addictions negatively impact relationships more than we would like to admit. With the advent of the computer sexual content and interactive sites have become much more available. Pornography sites have taken sexual acting out to a whole new level. Where an individual once struggled with shame/guilt over visiting an adult book store or strip club it is now only a mouse click away. No one else has to see you there and you don’t have to make excuses to your significant other about where you have been.
Our society at large is voyuristic by nature. However, sex addiction is simply not just viewing or fantasizing. It follows the benchmarks of how professionals traditionally define addiction. The behavior must significantly interfere with normal life. In my interpretation this means for many the threat of job loss, the inability to have “normal” sexual interactions with your partner, loss of interest in other activities, an abnormal preoccupation with the sexual behavior, and basically the ruination of ones life.
The addiction is so massively widespread that many corporations are now monitoring internet usage in efforts to kill the urge to engage in such behaviors at work. Not sure if they are winning or losing the battle. Of course, the behavior may be restricted solely to home. The individual will control the urge all day instead waiting until everyone is asleep so that the behavior can go on into the night uninterrupted. Typically, this behavior has its own set of consequences. People around the addict begin to notice how sleep deprived the addict and that they are out of bed more than they are in it.
The spouse/partner usually pulls the addict in for treatment with the presenting complaint that sex simply does not happen as much as it used to or that they found huge amounts of pornography on the computer. Interestingly, the partner is usually pretty unaware of how long the problem has existed and to what depth. There are many variations to sexual addiction. But, they all have profound effects on a persons ability to be a husband, wife, partner, mother, father, friend, or boss. Treatment is therefore the only option.
Treatment also comes in all shapes and sizes. For exampe, the press informed us that Tiger decided (or perhaps was told) that going to a rehab was his option of choice. Certainly, with all the press and the number of affairs this most likely was the best option for him. For the average person, or the individual who cannot affort rehab, intensive therapy is the answer. This means individual therapy, couples therapy, an addiction support group as well as twelve step meetings. The partner may need their own individual counseling to help them deal with their intense feelings and perhaps how they “enabled” their partner to remain addicted.
In writing about sex addiction I am hoping to alert people to the growning epidemic which is happening quietly around us. In fact, I believe the national statistic, last I checked, stated that most children are exposed to internet pornography by the sweet age of 11. In fact, after reading this alarming fact I asked my own 11 year old if he had ever seen any “nude” pictures on friend’s computers. Indeed, he had. That helped me to arm him much better going forward.
The reasons we are so vulnerable to sexual addiction is well outlined in Dr. Carnes’ book. It is an excellent read and will help you get on the right track to healing. I believe that loving an addict, wanting more from your relationship, and a willingness to engage in the hard work of change can heal the wounds. Couples and individual counseling with someone who understands the process can support and keep the treatment on track. I am not saying that it’s an easy road – it isn’t. But I do believe that it is worth the journey because often times there is success waiting at the other end. Keep the faith and remember to make working on yourself a priority.
